Virgins make for quick weddings

On Saturday I trekked up to wild and wonderful West Virginia, home to the Wildly Wonderful Maxie, for a Baptist wedding. I wasn’t sure how many other people at the wedding I would know, so I conned Lion King into being my FakeDate for the wedding.  (plus I needed something to distract the hillbillies with in case of banjos) Awesome friend that he is, FakeDate came down from NYC to be my arm candy. I quickly repaid his awesomeness by getting him completely hooked on How I Met Your Mother.  CBS, this would be at least the 4th person I’ve gotten hooked on the yummy crack that is HIMYM, so hook a chica up w/ a lil sumthin’ sumthin’, will ya?

Now from the Lair to the Churchy Church was about a 90 minute drive, each way; this will key later on. Once we crossed the border into WV I was struck by two things: 1, WV has a lot of cows and 2, assuming that Legs VIP is a strip club its proximity to a church interesting to say the least. Sadly this was not the church we were going to.

Past a few more cow pastures, we finally arrived at our destination: a Baptist church parking lot FILLED with pickups. While I might exaggerate my reactions a bit to all things Southern, there seriously were a shit-load of trucks. Even FakeDate was a little taken aback by the number of trucks. As we looked around trying to figure out what we had gotten ourselves into, a car drove past and the unmistakable sound of banjos filled the air. I shit thee not, they were playing something like this.

Not funny, West Virginia. Not funny at all.

We still were a little hesitant to walk up to the church as the few people walking around were clad in overalls and flannel shirts. FakeDate had Suited Up and I was rocking a v. fine little black dress.  And did I mention that FakeDate is Dominican? Yup, we were sorta standing out. Thankfully the pastor was there to greet us and explained that some sort of auction was going on across the street and they were using the church parking lot. Whew!

I am v. pleased to say that I entered the church and no lightening/fire/brimstone/pillar of salting occurred. Once in, I was whisked away to get a sneak peek at the bride by a fellow HellU alum.  The Bride was sooooo happy.  Part of that happiness might have been due to the following statement which was pretty much the first thing out of her mouth when she saw me: “I can finally get laid tonight!”  (sidenote: Bride is the same age as me and the Groom is in his mid-thirties. Not sure of his virginal status, but my money is on the cherry being intact)  I wanted to take her aside and warn her that the first time isn’t all that great (especially since Groom is probably a lil backed up), but times thereafter are pretty damn good, but her mom came in so I refrained.

The ceremony itself started at 1:09. It was over and the happy couple was trotting back down the aisle at 1:27.  This was including the 2 musical performances, vow recital and 2 prayers.

The reception was held in the church’s multi-purpose room. V. basic set up of long tables and a head table. No music, and no booze. Thank god they at least had coffee. Once the bridal party arrived the peeps were let loose to nom. FakeDate and I had just barely finished our nibbles,  when the cakecutting began. And once the cake pics were taken, the happy couple was heading out. We practically had to drag her away to get some pics. Even the HellU bridesmaid was a little surprised at the speedy exit.

FakeDate and I were back on the road to DC by 3:30.  I was hoping for some wacky Baptist hijinks to share w/ you all, but it seriously  was the wham, bam and thank you ma’am of weddings.  I’d say better luck next time, but I think I’m out of hard-core Baptist friends.

Ooooh, Baptist wedding crashers…that would make for some good posts!


~ by pithycomments on May 6, 2009.

2 Responses to “Virgins make for quick weddings”

  1. Wow. Up here in New York the Dominicans and Puerto Ricans are doing weddings in 20 minutes at City Hall for their papers. And they’re the hardcore Christian-kind 🙂

    ain’t nothing wrong with marrying for papers. 😉

  2. I still can’t believe you were so close to where I live when I wasn’t in town! Just so you know, Legs VIP is one of many fine establishments in the area.

    For my 25th bday we went to a club in WV where the Hangar Club boys (I think?) came and performed. The Cowboy tried to grind his package on my leg turning the open dancing portion of the night. I was not impressed.

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