And this is why I don’t visit

Today is Spirit Day at work. We were highly encouraged to wear sports gear at work (which for some here is everyday dress) and I am currently rockin’ my Jags No.8  Brunell jersey.

Flippy‘s a fan of the Captials, and as such donned a camouflage baseball cap w/ their logo.  Sadly for me, as soon as I saw her camo cap, I might have a bad reaction of  “dear god, take that thing off.”  See, with Flippy’s current haircolor she greatly resembled my cousin, NamedAfteraCountrySingerY’all.  It was not a pleasant memory.

I’ve mentioned it in passing, but my dad’s a redneck.  His side of the family is honestly like a bad Jeff Foxworthy skit. IF for some godforsaken reason I were to attend one of the family reunions, you would not believe that I was actually genetically linked to these gun-totin, terbacky-spittin’, deer-huntin’ Deliverance extras.  These people built an actual outhouse for their hunti’n camp and hailed it as the best thing since deer-in-heat scented deer piss. (Yes, Wal-mart sells  it and yes, they bought it and wore it when huntin’)

With this dueling banjo flashback, I decided to google the list of  “You might be a Redneck” and show Coachie which ones applied to my family, since she can’t believe that I emerged from such specimens. And now for your enjoyment are just some of highlights of that list.  These are actual things I’ve seen/heard/experienced when visiting my family in the Armpit of Florida:

  • You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren’t (and don’t you dare suggest removal…you never know when you might need the tranny of a ’88 Chevy truck)
  • You clean your fingernails with a stick. (or a Bowie knife)
  • You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table. (or the equivalent of a coffee table aka old speakers or a milk crate and usually next to the spitoon)
  • Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes. (the more antennas, the more of a hi-tech redneck you are)
  • People hear your car a long time before they see it. (had to learn how to drive in a ’76 Chevy El Camino w/ no power steering and a muffler that had been killed ded long ago. Needless to say after a lesson or two in that death trap I threw the keys at my dad’s head and refused to drive home)
  • Directions to your house include “Turn off the paved road” (there’s 2 miles of dirt road before you get to my parents house. And don’t get me started on the times we’ve had to chase the neighbor’s cows out of our yard)
  • Your brother-in-law is also your uncle. (MommaPithy’s mom married my dad’s uncle. yeeeeeah)
  • You keep a spit cup on the ironing board. (see can of RAID)
  • There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house. (it was actually a stuffed squirrel that GranmaSkoal shot and kilt)
  • You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month. (please…try on a daily basis)
  • The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!” “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin’?” (it makes me twitch)
  • You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.  (well, where else do you keep the deer meat??)
  • There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.  (closet doors are for liberals)
  • Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does. (only high-flaughtin’ people have curtains)
  • You call your boss “Buddy”, on a regular basis.  (not counting the bosses that are actually named Buddy)
  • The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair. (this is a real fear for towns that only have one wal-mart and dollar general)
  • When you see a sign that says “Say No To Crack,” it reminds you to pull your jeans up. (do you know how many times my dad heard “Hey Buddy, jus’ say no to crack”??)
  • You’ve been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars. (we showed up in a sedan. It was obvi we were city folk)
  • You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car (one of  NamedAfteraCountrySingerY’all’s brothers had one. Right next to the CB)
  • The tobacco chewers in your family aren’t just men. (I didn’t call her Granma Skoal for nothin’)
  • You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. (gun racks are expensive and droppin’ out is free)
  • You use lava soap more than three times a day.  (it was a sad day in our home when my dad’s favorite brand of lava soap was discontinued)

It’s been 5 years since I’ve visited the Armpit of Florida. Close to 10 years since I’ve visited my cousins. I’ve sucessfully evaded family reunions, holidays and funerals, including my grandfather’s, who I’m convinced never really knew my name and called me “Sugah” instead.

ETA:  Sorry about the funky text. WordPress doesn’t like it when I cut and paste. Bish.


~ by pithycomments on January 30, 2009.

One Response to “And this is why I don’t visit”

  1. […] Go here to read the rest: And this is why I don’t visit « DC is my Manhattan […]

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