Pithy 911!

Remember that Rescue 911 show w/ Shatner??   That was total Must-See TV in my house growing up. And when they re-enacted some idiots that fell off the new Bridge in Home of Jaguars (aka Jacksonville), you would have thought our town hit the big time. Even better, the Bridge falling idiots worked w/ my father. I’m like 5 degrees of separation from The Shat!

Anyhoodles, as I previously mentioned, I  have quite a few tales from the last weekend. I’m going to re-tell them in chronological order, since that’s seems easier. Today, the Tale of Not-So-Missing Rotund Aunty.

Last week, mid-morning, I get this email:

“Rotund Aunty went to the Dr. yesterday her app was at 2pm I called her at 6pm them at 8pm and the last call at 10 pm, this morning I started calling again 7 10 11 calls to her home phone and cell and I do not get her, what else can I do, I called  Fancy-schmancy clinic to ask but all they could tell me is that was not in the hospital. I do not know her dr.s name, have any suggestions_? reply please ”

Now MommaPithy and Rotund Aunty talk constantly. One does not have a bowel movement without calling the other, so this lack of communication was not normal for them. Add to it that Rotund Aunty is a diabetic and  lives alone in Home of the Jaguars and MommaPithy lives in the Armpit of Florida, a supremely scary (for MommaP) 90-minute drive away and I had a v. distressed Momma Pithy on my hands.

Since my family is spread out over the “lovely” state of Florida, MommaPithy decided that the person living 13 hours away would be the best bet for finding Rotund Aunty.  After a quick phone call to rehash the deets, I started to play my favorite game, “Find the Body”.  It’s a simple game and one I’ve become an expert at thanks to the Unamed One having me play so we could find  her crack  addict husband.  In the winter of ’05, I was the Northern Va. champion of Find the Body.  Find the Body is much easier than the other game Unamed One had me play for her  which was “Dude, Donde Esta My Car?”  (the answer to that was always, “check your friendly neighborhood crack den, Unamed One.”)

Anyhoo, the rules for Find the Body are: You figure out the local hospitals relative to the last known location (s) of the body and start calling to see if the body or a Jane/John Doe has surfaced. Rinse, repeat.

After 3 hospitals, Rotund Aunty was nowhere to be found. And as a side note, if you’re a receptionist at the patient intake desk (or whatever it’s called), shouldn’t you know that the fuck Jane Doe means??  Calling Memorial Hospital in Jacksonville was deee-lightful thanks to the Mensa candidate that didn’t know what the hell I was asking for. I had to explain what a Jane Doe was and then heard her reply, “Whale, I never hurd of one of thems.”  Stellar job Memorial Hospital. No wonder no one goes there unless they have no choice.

When Find the Body does not result in finding the body, you then resort to your power play, which is calling the local popo to send a cruiser out to the residence to see if they can find the body.  So I did.

There they found Rotund Aunty in perfect health, but with a turned-off cell phone. She had also managed to kill her home phone as well so she didn’t hear the phone ringing.

My family is awesome.

(I apologize that there was no talking MommaPithy in this post, since I know she has a fan base. But after wasting 2 hours (and 6 reboots)  trying to get this fucking piece of shit PC to fucking work so I could fucking work, I didn’t have it in me.  Fuck PCs. Fuck ’em all. Fuckity fuck fuck. )


~ by pithycomments on January 23, 2009.

3 Responses to “Pithy 911!”

  1. Hill–arious!! I got a call Tuesday morn that’ll change my phone answering habits. I’d skipped my dad’s first call and only answered an hour or so later when I was fully awake. “So, how’re you doing Dad?” “Not bad, except I slipped and fell on the ice-covered driveway this morning as I was getting the paper.”

    No more skipping calls.

  2. oh gosh! I don’t think I like the idea of this game. My mom has had to do this a few times with me, but usually it was just because my stupid cell phone died. Story of my life.

  3. Too funny. Don’t ever use me for an emergency contact, I ignore/skip calls all the time.

    And your apology? roflmFao

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