The Case of the Missing Family Jewels

As previously mentioned, my family can provide hours of unintentional entertainment and fodder for my tell-all. Occasionally they dip into the wacky telenovela side of things, with plotlines that would make the execs at Univision jealous.

Case in point: The Case of the Missing Family Jewels….dun, dun duuuuuun….. (this got kinda wordy. Sorry peeps)

The reason for my last trip to Miami (other than cell phone reprogramming) was because my uncle’s wife was in the hospital and the outlook wasn’t so good. By the time I got down there, she was in the hospital and hooked up to life support. This will be very important later on.

Now my Uncle and his wife are not rich by any means, but do have a tidy little nest egg tucked away. And for some reason it was decided that said nest egg would be far better off at the Bank and Trust of Sealy Mattress than say, a real fucking bank. Yes, my family took out their life savings from the bank and hid it in the house, thinking this was waaaaaaay safer than a place w/ fancy electronic surveillance and security systems.

Now this was all well and good, until the Wife went to the hospital. At some point after she went on life support, my uncle went to the Bank and Trust of Sealy Mattress only to discover there was nothing there.  Yup, his wife had changed the hiding location of their “home bank”, neglected to tell him and was now on life-support with the doctors saying she wouldn’t wake up once she was taken off.  That’s right, the one person who knew where the money was hidden was in a coma and wasn’t waking up.

Cue the panicked Colombians. Cue me to roll my eyes and wish that I had thought to pack some sweet, sweet alcohol to drown my sorrows.

With the non-discovery of the money a full-fledged search ensued. Somewhere along the way it was also discovered that the family jewels were also missing. (all Colombians have some sort of jewelry passed down, no matter how poor the fam is. It’s part of their Constitution)

So it began. Picture the scene if you will: 3 Colombians scurrying about like hobbits (but with much prettier feet), one befuddled American male towering above the Colombbits at 5’11 and one extremely snarky Pithy programming cell phones on the couch. The couch that is hermetically sealed in plastic. My family likes to pretend we’re Jewish.

No hermetically-sealed-couch cushion was left unturned,  no drawer unpulled, and no ceiling tile un-popped.  At one point the tall American (aka my father) was on a step-stool w/ my mom’s rotund little aunt below directing him as to what ceiling tile he should pop next.

Rotund Aunty: “Trrrry dat one.  I tink I see something dark derrre.”

Befuddled American: “Naw, ain’t nuttin thar.” (did I mention that the befuddled American  is a Southerner, complete w/ missing tooth, big ass belt buckle and raging chewing tobacco habit? I’ll let that mental image sink in)

Rotund Aunty:”Arrrrrre jew surrrrrre??  Trrrry de otherrr one.”

This went on alllllll weekend.

Also going on alllll weekend, was Rotund Aunty’s attempts to find me a husband at the hospital. Everytime a tall, eligible looking male in scrubs passed by, she would be at my ear:

“Oooooi! Look at heeem. Don jew likey heem??? Why don jew go talky to heeem. Maybe he likey jew.”

It didn’t faze her that I was only in Miami for 72 hours; she bound and determined to find me medical twue wuv. (like I said, they think they’re Jewish)

Back at ceiling tile central the search was still on. And still fruitless. Though a new theory had been developed: The wife’s sisters were staying w/ Uncle and soon the Colombbits suspected foul play. (it’s always the evil sister) I left before any progress was made and immediately made friends with a frozen margarita once I got to the airport.

Fortunately for all, Uncle’s wife was taken off life support and miraculously awoke. Once my uncle got her sisters out of the room he asked her were she had hidden the money. She had not hidden the money after all! It was indeed the evil sister that attempted to steal the money!! Huzzah!!  After some fine acting on the Wife’s part, the money mysteriously reappeared at the local Sealy Mattress branch.

But the Wife did hide jewels on purpose. They were in the freezer next to ground round.


~ by pithycomments on August 25, 2008.

6 Responses to “The Case of the Missing Family Jewels”

  1. And here I was thinking my family was full of nut jobs. Well, they still are… but at least you’ve got some hilarious weekend anecdotes.

  2. I think you need Pithy Video Blog. I would really like to see you act out these accents….

  3. Flippy — Camera adds 10 lbs. So not happening.

    Downbeats — Story potential was the main reason I was hoping my uncle would fly me down to fix his phone. 😉

  4. Your family sounds like it would be great material for a Ben Stiller movie. If I was directing, I would have to cast Ben as you, and obviously that would involve changing you to a dude… but at least your character could keep the same name!

  5. I can’t believe she tried to do that– what a skeeze! So glad your uncles wife woke up. Some people are just assholes.

  6. […] [easy like Sunday morning….] 89. Gone to Thailand 90. Bought a house 91. Been in a combat zone [sorta…] 92. Buried one/both of your parents Dad 93. Been on a cruise ship 94. Spoken more than one […]

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